Jordan Morris, Our Close Friend
"Jordan Morris, Our Close Friend" is the twenty-ninth episode of Hollywood Handbook. Official Earwolf Page Earwolf Synopsis Sean and Hayes start off with a segment called Critically Ashamed, where they discuss the critical reception of the TV version of Fargo. Then, fellow podcast host on a rival network JORDAN MORRIS comes to the studio to talk with the guys about being a nerd, Demolition Man, fucked up childhoods, and being comedy. Then, the Popcorn Gallery is back again with more hard topics like All About Steve, Jesse Thorn, live shows, Criss Angel, and finally the gang delves into their fucked up mind caverns. Notes & Memorable Quotes Pre-Guest Segment * Sean over the theme: "So you literally can just follow the instructions on the screen. So I like did it: type in the thing, pull the thing, push the button. And then I... finish up, I squeeze the handle, I pull it out of the gas tank. And I turn I go "So now we know I can do your job, but you can't do mine." * There's an argument with soccer about what that should be called. Some people call it futbol. They decide on baksetball! Critics shouldn't be doing critics on stuff they don't do * Sean loves watching stuff that sucks with a funny friend and really Mystery Science Theater it * They set down to watch Fargo and were silent for several hour afterwards Guest Segment *Hayes over the theme: "Did you notice what they wrote on my Starbucks cup today? (Sean laughs) 'Ace! That's accurate' I get Ace, I get Hays, I get Haze it's like... these fucking retards... go to school (Sean) 'You know what I get' What? 'Big Dick Playa' " *Much like a diamond with a bunch of sides, Hayes and Sean have explored the multiple sides of showbiz, the newest side of showbiz they looked into has been showbiz, but they're not the only ones who have a podcast, so they brought in Jordan Morris *The intro for Jordan Morris was messed up, so Sean had to re-do it. "Ladies and Jellyspoons! Please welcome the bad O.P.: O-riginal podcaster! He's a truuuue gangsta in the tradition of Ice-T! And he dooes podcast and you better love it. This guy invented it, he's like friggin' Neil Armstrong meets the friggin' Ramones, meets uh.. I don't know um, DW Griffith? and he's here!" *Hayes and Sean first heard about podcasting on the set of Love and Other Drugs, talking to Jake (Busey) on the closed set (it was the day Anne Hathaway showed her sweater puppies!) *Jordan and Jesse got into it in a garage setting, a virtual CBGBs. A very raw way. Before these big boy starting throwing money around, making it rain on these content creators. Your stamps.com's, your audibles. Jordan used to advertise regular stamps: "Stick one of these little squareys on it or they'll send it back!" *Some etymology: Latin: 'conversation': (good stuff talking) 'con' meaning 'good stuff,' 'versation' meaning 'talking,' and 'content': 'good things'; 'tent' -- where you live! Good stuff you can enjoy in your home *Is there a more pure form of content than two white dudes fuckin' jerkin' each other off on a microphone? Improvised Caucasian conversations *Podcasting is a very erotic medium, highly charged. The ear gland is one of the most erogenous glands. Sean can think of two he'd put before it, but certainly top 3 *The original podcasting was truckers sending files to each other: trucking routes, which Waffle House where you can get a handjob *The truckers were like BB King, just noodling on a guitar, Jordan and Jesse are like John Mayer, writing real songs *People aren't talking about AMC TV shows enough. Have you guys seen Breaking Bad? Sean is never going to watch AMC's The Walking Dead, it's too scary and they're sick perverts, whoever made that show. *What's not scary and what's not perverted is to hear a truly funny comedian say something that's happened on the show and what they think might happen! But not having to be funny or on, they just get to say it. *Sean heard a comedian be authentic by talking about how he's in therapy! People will just appreciate the fact that they're getting a little glimpse into.. a pretty sick mind. A mind that's... a little twisted! "These frickin' comedians are coo coo! What's going on inside those, you know, melons on top of their necks!? And they're gonna finally find out: well, it's some, you know, half-assed self-help stuff that they, sort of read somewhere and then thought about and then are repeating on a mic, to another guy!" And an enjoyment of AMC television *Have you guys seen the TV edit of Demolition Man? They are surgeons. It's like they made it to have commercial breaks! Jordan is in talks to host a Demolition Man after show *Sean asks a personal question to Jordan: was he a bit of a nerd when he was little? Yeah, but it's tough for him to admit. His high school days were a living hell. Here's some of his good friend: Mario. Sonic. Street fighter. No teenagers their age were out with a hoop and a stick, playing actively! Echo the Dolphin. He'd watch nerdy shows like Coach. Sean and his family loved Murphy B. Jordan wasn't invited to their cigarette parties. *Jordan considers Richard Pryor a contemporary, along with John Mayer. *Sean has so little sympathy for criminals because it would have been so easy for him to turn his pain into being arson or doing you know, murder in a convenience store. Jordan used to think about being arson, but he channeled it to be comedy. *Hayes's parents used to fight, which is why he was so twisted and wants to lash out to society. *Sean wishes his parents would have fought because his dad was so busy. He barely was even around! Is this why Sean makes himself so busy all the time, making all this content? Sean blocks out every other Saturday to be with his little guys. And if Steffi's late, he gives her hell. "You know this my time with them, and you know I don't want to be like him." and by him, he's pointing at a big statue of Paul Bunyan (They're still married, she doesn't want to live in his basement apartment, rather a tennis mansion somewhere) *Jordan is working on brewing is own beer right now. He's working on a strong hoppy IPA WOW HAYES LOVES HOPS, the really bad bitter stuff! It's gross. A challenging drink, like Un Chien Andalou. Hayes likes black beer. Sean hates swines who don't like the good beers *Hayes brings up the live podcast format: to not just listen to people talk about therapy and people that they know you don't know, but to see it. ''Jordan says the live podcast is just another arrow in the podcaster's quiver *Sean saw an episode of Criss Angel where he was naked in the center of a prison cell and there was a bunch of weeman outside, and he only had like 2 hours to get out of the cell and if he doesn't all the women are going to see him! The women are so excited to see him, boy oh man. And his bodyguards and his handlers are like "I mean of course these women want to get in, I mean imagine like them getting to get a sneak peak at Criss Angel and getting to see his whole fucking wiener!" This is like what podcasters are doing. Everyone is almost seeing your emotional mind wieners. *If you realize something very trite and obvious, podcasters have to ask what it would sound like if ''they said it Recurring Segments * Critically Ashamed -hopefully a one-time only segment. Hayes and Sean are ashamed at how they've criticized critics in the past. ** This show has completely carved out its own space beyond the movie. Like if the movie was explaining itself while you watch the movie. The movie.. slides the information under the door. The show pounds on the door as hard as it can, rings the bell 20 times, makes you sign for a package that it gives you, then watches you open the package, then inside the package is a letter explaining to contents of the package, and the contents is pretty self explanatory to begin with, maybe just a big rock. Then the guy tells you what it is. "That's a big rock." ** An example from the show: the main guy Lester has a rich little brother Chaz who he is overshadowed by, feels like he can't live up to his shadow. The show shows it to you because the brother gets to go on a business trip, sleep in a king sized bed, stays at the Mariott (and you know it's good because the other lady wants to stay there), then the boss took them out to dinner they ate a big steak, it was as big as a catcher's mitt! And he got a raise and a corner office. This was all preceded by an additional scene where Lester's wife talks about how good Chaz is! And she repeats the bit about the corner office! This is what makes the show. So. Good. ** A former bully of Lester's accosts him in the street, about how he put him in an oil barrel and rolled him down the hill, and how Lester's wife gave the bully a handjob in high school! If that's not quite enough, he says "Never knew what she saw in ya, really. I mean, help me out: is it your stupid pencil dick or your little rat face?" Are these guys friends or do they not like each other? We, the viewer, need every bit of information! The bully would also write his own name on his knuckles and punch Lester in the face, so that his name would be written on his face from the punch! ** A bunch of examples of two sons of the bully and how they talk to each other, particularly saying 'Dad' a lot. And when one of the brothers says something, the other one says the same thing. Sean fell asleep for 45 minutes during the movie? Woke up and was lost. Sleeping for 45 minutes in the show? His experience was not negatively impacted. * Popcorn Gallery (Jordan gets really really close to 'getting' this segment. This week, every question asker needed to be some version of Andrew or Andy) *# Andy Smith - "Jordan Morris, you were in the movie All About Steve. Follow-up question, do you like Jesse Thorn more or less now that he has a beard and children?" *#* Jordan is glad he brought up All About Steve, a little cult-classic that may not have done boffo B.O. The Hulu original series Deadbeat is based on AAS, ''it's part of the Steviverse. Jordan may stop by as a cameo to do his signature line "This glue is making me high!" He doesn't want to talk about Jesse. *# Andrew - "Mr. Morris, when Jesse Thorn does that thing where he invites strangers to go on a boat vacation with him, do you get a free ticket or do you have to pay full price? Or is it like a partial discount situation?" *#* Jordan is pissed about the Jesse mention. He's also planning his own version of this where it's a trip to Fresno for comedy fans at the Fresno Airport Mariott. *# Sean Clements - (puts himself in the Popcorn Gallery for a minute!) "Do you ever get scared at just how fucked up your mind is and all these crazy connections you make when you're just talking and just really going down the sort of Byzantine labyrinth that is your synapses?!" Hayes: "What if you go too far and what if the string that you leave behind to find your way our is like lost?" *#* This is a concern, the tightrope they walk every day as podcasters. Conversations like "What was your favorite cartoon in the Disney Afternoon?" Tailspin, Darkwing Duck, Bonkers the Cat, Duck Tails. Thinks a lot of Houdini and Criss Angel, they never know if they're coming back. There may be a meanotaur at the center of that labyrinth. *# Andy Kneis - "Jordan, this isn't really a question but could you please show off your acting chops and do all oyour best accents and impressions and then make Hayes and Sean do some too please. Thank you" *#* They didn't have time for this one. And no one could ever make Hayes and Sean do anything. It would have been fun though. * Pro Version - Andrew - Jordan will relay the plot of one of his favorite episodes of ''Coach: ''S05E011: Dobber's Big Day: Dobber met a woman who thought he was a contractor, but dobber thought she was hitting on him. Dobber goes to Coach, he wants to fix her deck anyway? And he has to get a crash course in handymanning from the C-man. It's great because Dobber isn't good with his hands and he's a sweet guy, so you're rooting for him. You want him to finish the deck and eventually fuck this woman (a pre-''Friends Courtney Cox, a real May-December type thing) Recurring Jokes * Lauffing - Sean and Hayes were lauffing and scoffing at some stuff critics have written about Fargo * Blenjamin ''- Jordan Morris' intro was screwed up he asks if they can do it again. Sean checks his email and see's an email from Blenjamin explaining what the proper intro should be * Too Scary - Sean is never going to watch AMC's ''The Walking Dead, it's too scary and they're sick perverts, whoever made that show. The meanotaur at the center of your mind's labyrinth is very scary. * Coo coo - "These frickin' comedians are coocoo! What's going on inside those, you know, melons on top of their necks!? And well they're going to finally find out: well, it's some, you know, half-assed self-help stuff that they, sort of read somewhere and then thought about and then are repeating on a mic, to another guy!" * Nerds - Jordan was a bit of a nerd when he was younger, just like Sean and Hayes have admitted * Comic Books - Sean and Hayes used to love super heroes and stuff * Sean's Dad - Sean wishes his parents would have fought because his dad was so busy. He barely was even around! Is this why Sean makes himself so busy all the time, making all this content? * Wife and Kids - Sean blocks out every other Saturday to be with his little guys. And if Steffi's late, he gives her hell. "You know this my time with them, and you know I don't want to be like him." and by him, he's pointing at a big statue of Paul Bunyan (They're still married, she doesn't want to live in his basement apartment, rather a tennis mansion somewhere) * Mark - supplied some premium Popcorn Gallery clips, including one for the second that is "(hand in popcorn bag sound FX) I'm going to kill myself tomorrow." (from Mark, not Austin Powers). Also there was a dragon underneath the bag! * Sean and Hayes's Particular Attribute - podcasting is like the Criss Angel naked in a prison cell with women all around magic stunt, you almost expose your mind wiener to the masses. And if you're built like Sean or Criss Angel or Jordan or Hayes it's a pretty significant risk Ads *Earwolf Store - lots of high couture fashion items available Episode Photos IMG_5263.jpg|''(left to right)'' Hayes Davenport, Jordan Morris, Sean Clements IMG_5257.jpg|Sean and Jordan Morris in the studio IMG_5256.jpg|Sean and Jordan Morris in the studio IMG_5254.jpg|Hayes in the studio IMG_5248.jpg|Sean in the studio IMG_5243.jpg|Sean bussin' up in the studio Jordan Morris, Our Close Friend